The Confidence Trick (Part II)
When thinking of the top five conundrums coachees sought coaching on through 2022, under-confidence and self doubt sat within the top three. This year looks no different. From engineering interns at the tech giants through to presidents at giant banks, worries about language ability, delivery of our strategy, and answers to ad-hoc questions still consume the minds of many.
Why? Because lack of confidence in our abilities, language, and instincts means we over-think, over-prepare, and under-perform. Fear from lack of confidence can paralyze us professionally and personally. A lack of belief in ourselves prevents us from showing vulnerability on a first date and standing up to those who limit or hurt us. I tackled this topic on confidence in an earlier article published via Medium in July. But I see more work for us all ahead. Perhaps heightened confidence will help us say, “I want that job — and I’m worthy.” Or, “I quit.” Or even, “I like you,” to someone fanciable. Today, we’re unveiling additional self-coaching tools I’ve used and co-created with coachees in hopes we can all enter the Western new year with more resolve, courage, and focus.
Get Mentally Fit
Mental fitness, i.e. our ability to rebound from adversity and challenges with positive vs. negative emotions builds self confidence. The mentally fit stay agile and waste less time consumed with self-doubt, fear, disappointment, or regret. Staying mentally fit has helped me grow my income, share my ideas publicly, and build up and retain my clients. Mental fitness (like physical fitness) requires first understanding your inner critics, which you can learn by clicking here. Reflective questions build this quality, including:
- What three gifts, opportunities, and/or knowledge come with this challenge/failure/setback?
- What does this challenge (or feeling of fear, uncertainty, etc.) teach or remind me?
- Given that only two positive options exist for any challenge, how can I either accept this situation or convert it into a gift?
From the above, it’s accepting vs. resisting or dreading failure that’s helped build my confidence the most because this inner shift means I can take more chances, more swiftly, and in bolder ways. (I’m writing a separate essay and podcasting on this notion soon!) You can learn more about mental fitness through Shirzad Chamine’s Positive Intelligence book here and training and coaching with a mental fitness coach.
Commit to Daily Bravery
Commiting to daily acts of bravery can feel fun and works! When we pledge to daily discomfort we reduce self doubt, narrow our focus, and accept vs. resist outcomes, even rejection. To play brave, consider that:
- Being brave reduces the credibility of our inner Judge and other saboteurs (especially the Hyper-Vigilant with its heightened focus on the dangers in life and the Stickler’s need for perfection.) The worst possible outcome we fear doesn’t turn out so bad, after all
- Remaining open and celebratory. Provided you pulled yourself to action by putting aside discomfort or fear, anything counts! Avoid diminishing.
- Holding yourself accountable and finding a bravery buddy to brag your victory to. (I often share my brave deeds with dear friends, fellow coaches, and my 13-year-old son and ask them to do the same.)
Learn from the Feelings
Building confidence also requires noting how we feel as we play brave. Noticing whether I feel positive or negative, i.e. joyful or regretful, excited or sad, etc. clarifies for me how to channel my efforts. In doing so, I can create less rush, more calm, and a more focused strategy on everything I do, which in turns build success and with that, confidence. To help learn, you can try:
- Keeping a journal of how you feel with brave actions. Ground before, during, and after the event. Share with your bravery buddy or coach
- Creating a metaphor or placeholder title for the feeling. A recent workshop I hosted brought a feeling of “cannonball” a jump and leap of faith. The resulting joy becomes a pull to action I want to repeat in different, ongoing ways.
- Noticing what changes (if anything) per the audience. If sharing your ideas brings joy with one audience and dread, fear, and panic with another, what’s that feeling here to teach or remind you? Same with the situation. If you feel liberating joy when speaking up as a stranger in a new land and sweaty and nervous otherwise, why? Understanding my feelings in these moments builds self awareness, reduces inner naysaying, and heightens inner peace, which breeds a quiet confidence others notice and trust.
Guard Your Garden
This delightful language of, “guard your garden,” i.e. do not share your brave ideas or strategy with the well-intentioned critics around you comes from a friend and fellow coach, Brenda Aviles. The idea: While our ideas germinate, we must protect the seeds from scrutiny, naysaying, or scorn which can ignite the fear already alive and well within. If this idea relates, a few ideas follow:
- Stay open to whom you must guard your garden from. Those who love us can caution in ways that erode vs. build confidence
- Time any sharing of any action after you play and experiment
- Consider creating a separate LinkedIn or Facebook/Instagram account for more anonymity as you experiment and play
- Share partially. Keep things light. E.G. I’m working to brand my business vs. I’m creating playful and free videos on TikTok to brand my business. Allow mystery, if it serves you
I’ve returned to this elusive trait of confidence and how to build and retain it because confidence fuels how we feel about ourselves, our work, even our relationships. The confidence we see in others often mystifies us as we’re not sure what we’re responding to. And even when we encapsulate things, few know how to build it. I hope this handful of tools helps you to experiment in building your own unique version of confidence. Have fun playing.
Debbi Gardiner McCullough coaches and trains immigrant leaders to become more confident, concise, and mentally fit communicators. From Wisconsin, she owns and runs Hanging Rock Coaching and serves as a communication effectiveness fellow coach to leaders all over the globe with BetterUp.