The Confidence Trick
Many of us praise the confident. We love their steady, emollient style, ability to ponder and pause — even enlighten a crowd with a gentle smile and careful words. And yet how do we feel confident — especially when the default becomes fear and self doubt?
I don’t have all the answers; but I’ve developed tricks throughout my life which help replace worry and insecurity with certainty and courage, especially recently through a huge career pivot. My coachees, who come to me with this very problem, have also helped co-create tactics which work. This week’s offering via Medium: Three self-coaching techniques to boost your self confidence. I’ve more than three, of course, but let’s start here and build a series — even podcasts.
Look (gently) to the Past — Understand the Why
To restore or build vital confidence, first explore the lack of confidence — and its origins — to ensure you better know the problem you’re hoping to solve. To help get there, you might ask yourself, with blameless discernment:
- Who’s there with me (or what memory is there with me) when I doubt?
- When else in my life have I felt this uncertainty/fear?
- How did I feel in these fearful/unconfident moments — and how did I retreat or counter?
Whatever comes next becomes fodder for journaling, coaching, sharing with someone you trust. Stay with these feelings and stay curious, like an anthropologist, and notice throughout your day when and how these same feelings show up.
Restore and Reassure Your Inner Child
When coaching leaders through this practice, positive feelings emerge — even tears of relief. Why? You’ve opened the gateway, brought the old feelings into the light, and told this inner child: I hear and notice you. Your voice matters. It’s going to be ok — I’ll ensure you’re heard from now.
Another childhood connection activity comes from Positive Intelligence where I certified as a mental fitness coach. Shirzad Chamine guided my cohort to study a picture from the past for your true essence. Then, build an “I am” statement based on core traits — your signature branding from back then. I chose a picture from my girlhood in 1973 New Zealand, age three, stealing my mother’s floppy sun hat at Corsica Bay, the vibrant seascape a backdrop for the Kodak moment. From this activity, I came up with:
“I am bold, courageous, playful —and care nought what others think. I am pragmatic. I love fashion, creativity, beauty and aesthetics.”
This “I am” statement becomes contractual as you build confidence. Keep the image front and center (on your phone or visually on your desk). Consult when feeling stuck, ambiguous, worried —not enough. Say the words. Feel them. Remember: That same courage and boldness in that child still lives within you today; but you must get out of your own way for more of these moments.
Pause to Celebrate Wins.
With the groundwork in place, how do we act confidently? Countless techniques exist. For me, it ties to committing to confident actions and thoughts each day because only then we’ll see change and results. For instance, when building my coaching business, I committed to daily momentum — something small, like challenging a fixed mindset, or bold like launching a workshop on active listening. Pausing to celebrate those wins also fed my confidence because I could take stock of what I’d overcome, learned, and how I’d grown, which led to self pride and encouragement to stay bold. (My article on perfectionism shares some fun, journalistic techniques.) Some tips for lasting action include:
- Celebrate all confident moments. Your Hyper Achiever will overlook the many ways you’re already confident. Stop. Take stock daily.
- Challenge any Judging lie about breaking to reflect. We want to go-go-go; and yet, pausing and celebrating helps build confidence and clarity, which helps with more effective strategy.
I chose the confidence trick over other topics this week because as I coach others on their performance reviews, promoting, or building personal brand, I find only confidence can help us navigate these moments with ease and flow vs. fear and resistance. And yet the first time someone asked me how to build confidence, I felt stumped.
I’ve more ways to become confident and feel I’m only getting started; but these first three action steps have helped me in extraordinary ways. Within three years, I’ve changed careers and industries, tripled my income, and found a purpose and joy in my work (and at home) I never thought possible. Best of all, by reinventing, I’m sparking courage and confidence in my teenage sons, too. I hope this sharing sparks meaningful change in you.
Debbi Gardiner McCullough coaches and trains immigrant leaders to become more confident, concise, and mentally fit communicators. From Wisconsin, she owns and runs Hanging Rock Coaching and serves as a communication effectiveness fellow coach to leaders all over the globe with BetterUp.