Finding commonality is all we need to get comfier with small talk; and yet small talk has never felt so big.

My Wee Secrets About Small Talk

D G McCullough
4 min readJun 26, 2023

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Some of the best and the brightest fret about small talk lately and I think I know why. Some started their jobs as remote workers having completed their studies in remote ways. Others must now return to work in the office after years of working from home. Meanwhile, the inevitable distrust of one another from layoffs means few want to say anything that might hamper their livelihood. With overwork breeding fatigue and anxiety, no wonder many feel lost for words.

And yet small talk and speaking with strangers and colleagues becomes essential for most of us. In this week’s post and podcast via the Sage Sayers, I’m sharing some gentle tips I’ve cultivated (over years of travels and starting over in new states and countries) which might help a bit.

Start with Hello

A simple greeting like, “Hello,” “Good morning,” or, “Welcome back from break,” can do wonders for small talk. But how we greet can make or break our connection. Some small guidelines:

  • Say hello with a warm vs. a cool or brisk tone
  • Make and sustain eye contact
  • Smile — at least with your eyes
  • Focus. A distracted greeting signals briskness or disdain

Ask After Someone’s Wellbeing

If your team and audience live remote from you, understand what’s going on in their world. For instance, if making small talk with a New York-based or Wisconsin-based person, you might ask after their air quality during the recent fire-induced haze. If you know the person’s recently been unwell, you might ask after their recovery or health.

Small talks meant to stay brief and yet comfortable for you and your audience. Any asking can therefore sound:

  • Light. E.G. “I hope your air quality’s improved now, weeks after the fire.”
  • Open-ended. E.G. “How have things been near you?”
  • Relatable. E.G. “Here in California, it took months for the haze to clear. I hope that’s not the case for you.”

Look For Commonality

Small talk can feel easier and less awkward when we look for commonality between you and the person with whom you connect. If returning to the office together, you might ask about the commute or other challenges with this change. If you’re at a conference, you can assume shared interests and ask curious questions about what drove them to the event. In looking for commonality, you might:

  • Stay open and creative to what connects you. Some favorite stranger conversations tie to random things. Recently, at the gym, I connected with a stranger by noticing she read while on the elliptical machine like I did. We laughed and called ourselves gym nerds.
  • Avoid judging. If you lament returning to the office and then hear your peer feels delighted, find a conversation opening.
  • Get curious. With the earlier example, you might ask: “Really? What makes you so delighted? I’m looking for a silver lining here.”

Know Discomfort’s Shared

If you’re still feeling fear vs. excitement about small talk, know that many hesitate, just like you. Of all the topics coaching clients come to me with, connecting with peers or strangers feels paramount. Avoid letting your inner Judge tell you otherwise.

Also, avoid letting your inner Judge socially exclude you for no good reason. Meaning: Challenge any lies on your worthiness to connect with others. Clients born in foreign countries fret that their non-American heritage excludes them from connecting with clients at corporate gatherings. And yet, when reminded they’ve connected with Americans for years just fine, they feel assured. Parents returning from parental leave often fret that those with no interest in children now find them dull. Also, probably not true. (And if so, you will find other ways to connect.)

Center. Pause. Listen

One final tip on small talk: Get comfortable with silence. When we’re getting curious and connecting with others, any efforts become dashed when we fill the space with chatter or redirect any sharing back to us. Asking someone, “How are you?” then, pausing a moment for the audience to reflect can connect us in powerful, memorable ways.

I learned this last lesson not only from training to become a coach (which resembled a PhD in active listening) but also backpacking through Asia solo in my early 20s. One favorite memory: Watching a sunset in the South of Thailand in comfortable silence with an elderly Thai fisherman. He’d just brought in his catch for the day. No language could link us beyond the shared beauty and experience; but we smiled and nodded as the sky exploded in magenta, yellow, and orange. We even cried with the view.

Small talk’s just that — small, and yet the practice can feel deceptively tricky. If we’re wanting to connect with others in stand-out, ease and flow ways, these simple tips may help.

Debbi Gardiner McCullough coaches and trains immigrant leaders to become more confident, concise, and mentally fit communicators. From Wisconsin, she owns and runs Hanging Rock Coaching and coaches worldwide with BetterUp.

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D G McCullough
D G McCullough

Written by D G McCullough

New Zealander D G McCullough has written on social trends for the Guardian, the Economist, and the FT. She’s a narrative and communications coach.