How Do I Respond When My Partner Won’t Say “I Love You”?
The world never stands still when we lead. Life continues swirling around us and I notice this point when coaching and training leaders on written and oral communications. They know: to lead well, they must address whatever obstacles prevent them from leading from a clear, compelling place. (I feel so happy and honored to help.) In this ongoing series, I’m sharing the most pressing and/or memorable problems leaders come to me with each month— and how we turn things around.
How Do I Ask My Partner Why They Don’t Say “I Love You”?
This endearing and sweet question stood out to me as a touching example of how life can get in our way as we lead. This leader wanted to hear the words “I love you” after sharing those same words herself. The absence of these three simple words, in spite of other positive, loving signals, felt like a communication challenge getting in her way.
We tried a three-pronged approach:
- First, we unpacked the problem behind the problem. This communicator feared that blurting or abruptness might drive her audience away. She also wondered whether the absence of the words signaled something else, like unappealing wishy-washiness. Meaning: If he hasn’t said the words yet, might he not be all that?
- Second, we hashed out how she might ask the question or yield the vital clarity she seeks, without sounding accusatory, blaming, or needy — none of which she felt. [We determined a coaching discovery approach felt best starting with “I notice when I tell you I love you, nothing comes back. What’s there?”]
- Third, we determined the desired tone for the message (strong, fair, curious, and balanced) and found the gift and opportunity: This conversation provided a forum to say what she really wanted for the relationship to continue: open, direct communication.
How Do I Stand Up to My Bullying Boss?
Another popular question throughout December and January tied to creating boundaries with bullying bosses. With national anti-bullying month now upon us (along with National Women’s History Month and African American History Month), the want to draw boundaries with bullies has grown. Here’s how targets and I’ve co-created strategy that works.
- First, we examine what’s really going on here and what’s really feeling hard. Often, a want to depart a job activates our Saboteurs, especially the Judge, the Victim, and the Hyper Vigilant. Many also fear the bully, often a boss, will get in our way of leaving. Our Judge’s lie: The bully controls our destiny.
- Second, we determine the concerns about this situation, the parts we have influence over and the parts over which we have no control. In most cases, the parts we have influence over exceed the parts over which we have no control. Positioning mantras in strategic places serve as hopeful reminders.
- Third, we co-create a strategy including overly communicating deliverables to cut down on interactions. Showing others that the bullying is present helps reduce things as the bully feels humiliated. Defining when we’re available and not checking emails after hours reduces stress and empowers the target. The main communication piece, alerting the bully the bullying must stop, comes in time.
How Do I Steer Meetings In Non-Bossy Ways?
New managers find managing meetings tricky and even more so when their inner Judge takes over.
A popular holler for help throughout January came from meeting management, specifically, laying out the agenda and ensuring the team reached the desired outcome within the skinny timeframe — and without going over. Here’s a combo of techniques co-created with a handful of managers — and everything offered below has become tried and tested, so do feel confident trying things out.
- State your agenda up front. Thank the team for coming in. Ask them what they hope to get out of the time, too, lest something different comes up. [The tactic: You sound/seem audience centered and you’re engaging with the audience, too.]
- Challenge your inner critics before going in. Ask yourself: What negative emotions come up for me as I lead this meeting? Address all of them — small and large. Ground yourself through mindfulness techniques; then, counter those lies with: “That’s not true because.” [The tactic: You expose the absurdity of most of our Judge’s lies by poking the stick at them. You come in more grounded, peaceful, and therefore exude beaucoup presence.]
- Use the empathy power to challenge your Judge’s view on you, the audience, and your situation. Most teams will root for you vs. hope you fail. Look for the smiling, bobbing head and don’t assume a frown means disdain. Perhaps the person ate something that didn’t agree with them. [The tactic: You see yourself as more equal and worthy with this new, curious anthropologist mindset.]
And when it comes to managing the meeting, once things get underway, consider these tips:
- Challenge the notion that you’re interrupting rudely. Nobody wants a meeting to go over. Interrupting becomes in service of your audience.
- Notice and even comment on the energy in the room if nobody will focus. E.G. Goodness! Great to see everyone’s revved up today as we come back together. I’m loving this camaraderie here.
- Pick up whatever language the audience lays down to gently segue to the agenda. E.G. Lovely to hear your thoughts on X, which is where we’re headed in today’s meeting. May I gently guide us to get started?
- Use a framing phrase or sentence to signal the intent to redirect the attention to the topic. E.G. In the spirit of brevity and stopping on time, let’s get going with today’s agenda.
So there you have it. The three biggest themes, worries, and challenges communicators have come to me with this past month and how we’ve tackled things together. I hope you found some gems and wisdom within. Do write to me at hangingrockmedia@gmail.com if you’d like to offer anything additional as it takes a village to communicate with bravery. Let’s challenge things in positive ways.
Debbi Gardiner McCullough coaches and trains immigrant leaders to become more confident and authentic communicators, and with that, more concise, too. From Wisconsin, she owns and runs Hanging Rock Coaching and serves as a communication effectiveness fellow coach to leaders all over the globe with BetterUp.