How do I detangle from draining conversations?
With the holidays upcoming and a brisk Q4 for many, clients wonder: How do I remove myself from conversations bringing no fun, meaning, nor real value? The question’s reasonable. Social gatherings require giving up time, energy, focus, and juggling personal commitments, too. At work as well, Q4 brings endless deliverables for many, pressure to meet quotas for sales account executives and people, and for professors — grading time feels immense. As one professor revealed, one useless conversation that went on and on can erode focus and energy like quicksand.
As a conversationalist, professor, trainer, and coach, I’ve found ways to manage the time and ensure we’re efficient, even with the ad hoc. I’ve developed ways to signal the conversation’s over (or help the communicator make this move) without offending. Ready to walk and talk with me on this conversation etiquette topic? Let’s go.
Determine your brand
Like any communications strategy, part of knowing what works ties to knowing how we want to seem to others in this admittedly dicey moment. Meaning: How do you want the receiver of any message — conversation or other — view you in the moment and after? This thoughtful prompt helps guide the strategy and align you with your values. You bring consistency, which feels important given we can only truly control how we feel in the moment vs. what others think of us.
Some examples of possible branding in this moment of ending a conversation I’ve heard include:
- Kind and considerate vs rude or snooty
- Firm, but polite
- Non-dismissive and smooth vs. dismissive and blunt
Establish parameters up front
One big coaching tip my MCC mentor coach drills into me, now I’m certifying as an MCC coach, ties to the power of firm guidelines in the front of a coaching call to establish topic, hopes, and a desired outcome. I believe this firm but fair framing helps us as conversationalists, too. (I’m essaying on this more; but high-level what I’ve seen from leaning in more this way is assurance, comfort, and a more enriched, uplifting dialogue all around. I’ve podcasted on this topic here.)
Here’s some potential phrasing to play with to show how parameters might help when someone wants to vent.
Sounds like you’ve a lot to say on X. How do you want me to listen? Listen to listen? Or listen to help solve?
Asking this one guiding question can A/ help you feel more anchored in the conversation and less bored and B/ help the venter self edit a little so they’re replete earlier. Here’s another.
What about X feels important today or seems interesting to you? I’d love to know as I listen.
Asking someone to laser focus a little on the part of the topic they want to talk with you about helps them ramble less and you focus more. One more.
May I ask (with no rudeness, I promise) what about me or my experience feels relevant to X? I ask so I can know what you see in me and how I can bring the most value.
Asking this question helps again to narrow the focus and for you to know how to receive the message and to respond, which helps you wrap up the conversation earlier and (perhaps) feel more energized as you listen.
Establish a time constraint
Another framing can tie to timing itself, which may not help us at parties or networking events; but certainly at draining conversations at work. Provided the time stamp’s appropriate and the receiver of your message approves, you’re setting things up for a crisp vs convoluted exchange few will mind. Some ideas either I’ve used or experts I’ve coached have used include:
- So lovely to hear from you! I’m almost home, but I can listen with full devotion for five minutes. Is that good? If so: How are you?
- It’s Q4. You know what that’s like. I can sync for five minutes then must dash. What’s going on?
- You’ve caught me between meetings but I’d love to connect right up until X time. Does that work? If so, how can I help?
- What else can you tell me on X before I mingle more. And what can I share briefly about me in service of you?
- Forgive me for seeming distracted. I’ve just seen my cousin I’ve not seen in five years. Do finish up though. What’s the main thing that happened next? We’ve 30 seconds before she’s here.
Notice with all of the above examples, the time parameter comes closely followed with a warm, kind tone and a laser focus on the person vs. us. Using those emphasis words also helps connect us to the receiver and stay intentional vs. scattered, superficial, or curt. The reason for the declared time-stamped ending also seems fair — and reasonable (very human, too).
Make the ending about them vs. you
I’ve heard super erudite communicators make the other person’s time vs. their own time the reason for the exit.
For instance, “I respect your time and don’t want to hold you up.”
The logic there becomes showing empathy and respect. The risk becomes sounding flip. I suggest, if using the other person’s time as the motivator, combine with a thanks and something sincere and heartfelt.
For instance, “I really enjoyed hearing what brought you to this country — fascinating. I hope to hear more about you and your journey soon.” Or:
“This conversation enlightened me and will enlighten others. I hope you share it more broadly tonight. Enjoy the party, and thank you!”
Resist apologizing
For clients with a dominant Pleaser saboteur, detangling from a conversation that’s run its course can feel mean. Social experts disagree. Our time is our time and we’re not obligated to listen endlessly when we don’t enjoy or feel the conversation is one sided, too dense for the setting, or simply not interesting.
For someone we’ve just met, keep things brief and one vs multiple lines. “I’m glad our paths crossed and wish you a pleasant day/night” can suffice.
Time things well
Listening and watching for the social cues can help the departure feel less awkward. A few premium moments can include:
- When the topic’s neutral and light vs dark and heavy. (If it does get heavy, you can use coaching tools, like “that’s a lot, or, that sounds very hard. Before I pull away to mingle more, what’s clearer from sharing?)
- When the receiver also appears distracted (by looking at their watch or phone or looking away)
- When a new person arrives to distract you — someone you want to speak with more
When another distraction arrives, like an incoming call, the guest speaker joins the stage, or someone you really needed to meet at this event enters the room (in which case, you can excuse yourself and alert them briefly of the why.) E.G. “Goodness. I don’t mean to interrupt; but X — the main reason I joined this event — just got on stage. Don’t mind me if I get closer to listen. Enjoy your night!”
Set the stage for more touch points
If you’d like to stay in touch or feel you or they have more to say of interest, but not now; you can signal that idea within the departure. Some examples:
- “I’ve more to say here and would enjoy following up when (and if) it suits you?”
- “I’m not sure if what I’ve shared suffices; but hopefully it’s a start. Ought we follow up?”
- “You’ve given generous, much appreciated feedback on X, as always. Looking forward to more when more time allows.”
Have a buddy system
If you’re entering a scene with peers, having a buddy system where you rescue one another when and if the communication feels grim can help. Check in on each other every 10 minutes or so.
I can’t claim this idea as my own. It comes from a dear coachee, a former school teacher (now company executive) who lets her next appointment into her MS Team meetings when the previous one goes over. The door knob hugger gets the picture right away after my coachee introduces us both and self interrupts. In person, I believe the shift in energy and introducing your new acquaintance to your friend who needs or wants your help can cause the person to self interrupt and dial the conversation down themselves.
The key becomes thanking with grace and with full intention. E.G. You’re been really fascinating to chat to. And meet another fascinating person. A, meet B.
I’m really enjoying these social etiquette questions my bright and gifted, ever-curious coachees come to me with and hope that in airing and exploring some options here, it helps you.
In closing, I’m reminded of my former Queen Elizabeth who passed away in 2022 and the immense social work she conducted, right up until her final months. (I’ve mused on the passing of my monarch and all she taught me of women, leadership, and executive presence here.) I’ve not yet met my Queen but my grandmother did during a brief royal tour in 1981, even to South Canterbury, New Zealand where I grew up in my formative years and where my Nan resided.
My grandmother recalled the Queen made her feel supremely heard and special within a few sentences and minutes. The queen noticed my grandmother’s china paintings, asked how she made them so beautiful, and where she had trained. When my grandmother replied she was self taught, the queen simply smiled and said: “how extraordinary. They’re beautiful. Do keep them up.” To which my grandmother, a huge royalist and major fan of the queen, swooned, smiled, and replied: “thank you. Because of those kind words, and because I enjoy it so, I will.” The queen continued on with her tour, one of hundreds that visit, and my grandmother remained elated, not at all perturbed the moment was now done. She felt replete and in awe.
This sweet memory reminds me a conversation can remain memorable even when super brief. A small, centered connection can take place provided we lock in, find that commonality, and stay humble, kind, and curious. I thank my late grandmother Margaret and my late queen for reminding me of this truth and encourage all of us to practice this art of conversation, especially when busy, and as our year now ends.
Debbi Gardiner McCullough has reinvented three times across three continents and three industries, most recently leaving academia after 19 years of service to train to become a coach. From Wisconsin, she owns and runs Hanging Rock Coaching and serves as a communications coach to leaders all over the globe with BetterUp and Sales Rocket Fuel.